Tuesday, April 10, 2012

When Life Happens...aka Epic Failure and Coming to Terms with Guilt

Take a good long look at the date on my last post. Yup, you read it correctly. That does, in fact, say 'June 6, 2011.' I wanted to devote a year of my life to being happy, and I made it 8, (that's right, EIGHT!), fucking posts. *le sigh*

I haven't written a word on this blog in 10 months. 10 months that I went about my life, accepting changes (We moved!), understanding hardships (loss of loved-ones and ended friendships), dealing with sadness (Yes, D is deploying again), hurt, anger, shame...and the fun stuff too (don't worry kids, life isn't always as tough as it seems). The level of change and the crazy range of emotions of these past 10 months has been anything but ordinary. Maybe there IS something to be said for the in ordinary in the ordinary, or however you want to put it.

You want to hear the really crazy part though (Of course you do! That's why you read other people's blogs right? To make sure you're not the only messed up one out there?). Well, get ready to feel validated, the craziest part of the whole ENTIRE time that I was away is this: I FELT GUILTY! Seriously... I felt guilty almost every single day! Knowing that I was supposed to be on this magical journey of epic happiness enlightenment, and I didn't even have the time to do it. I mean, how dare I let real life get in the way of my happiness?!?!

"How dare I let real life get in the way of my happiness" <--- Just repeat that a few times and get used to how ridiculous it sounds. Wait for it, it will come to you...

I feel like a teacher writing on the chalkboard, "Now class, who can name all of the errors in this sentence?"

!. Happiness and Real Life HAVE to co-exist. It's impossible to be happy only away from your real life, and if you do find happiness, how the heck are you supposed to make it mesh with doing dishes, bathing kids, watching TV, and all those other things that just have to get done everyday.

Moral: You have to learn to be happy in everyday life, or you will wind up being miserable.

2. "How did 'I' let..." Really? How did 'I' let real life get in my way? As if we can control every single thing that makes up our 'real lives.' I'm not saying we don't control some aspects, that would be dumb on my part. But honestly, some things just do happen, and we can't control them.

Moral: Not only can we not control everything in our lives, but we have to learn how to be OK with not being able to control them.

3. This one is the one that hurts my heart the most. I said 'MY happiness.' Not the happiness of my children and family unit, or my husband and our marriage. Nope, I said my happiness. Happiness is for me, and it's mine, and I want it now, dammit. Wow! That sounds super wonderful and loving, right? I was so worried about all of the things that we had going on, not because of what could happen or how it could affect our lives, but because it was interfering with MY happiness. I feel so ashamed with myself. Even just reading that right now makes me sick with myself. What a yucky heart to say that. No wonder I need some happiness...

Moral: Personal happiness IS important, but not at the expense of those you hold dearest (whether it's family, close friends, spouse, partner, kids, etc).

Oh, and let's step back and talk about this guilt thing too. I felt guilty for not following The Happiness Project, but I also felt a lot of guilt because I wasn't blogging about it. Take a moment to laugh at my expense, it's cool, I'm laughing too. Here I am, wanting to find real and true happiness, for myself (and now that I know better, for my family too), and I'm freaking out because I haven't blogged about it. As if you guys would be lost without my kick-ass blog about being super amazing full of win...and tiger's blood... ;)

Seriously though, how narcissistic can I be? Maybe I should spend a little less time dusting my shoulders off and get over myself...

Who's keeping a running list of lovely attributes? Controlling - Check, Narcissistic - Check, Selfish - Check, Self-loathing - Double Check.... Insert another *sigh* here...

I don't know. Maybe the one good thing I have going for me is that I know that this list is NOT who I want to be, and I'm willing to change. Also, I've accepted failure and know how to dust off and move on (Extra points for referencing a previous point, woot).

I feel like a high school kid trying to get back with an ex... But, I want to keep pushing forward with my own happiness project, and I'd love to have you all along for the journey, if you'll have me?

Flaws, guilt, and all...