When Life Happens...aka Epic Failure and Coming to Terms with Guilt

Take a good long look at the date on my last post. Yup, you read it correctly. That does, in fact, say 'June 6, 2011.' I wanted to devote a year of my life to being happy, and I made it 8, (that's right, EIGHT!), fucking posts. *le sigh*

I haven't written a word on this blog in 10 months. 10 months that I went about my life, accepting changes (We moved!), understanding hardships (loss of loved-ones and ended friendships), dealing with sadness (Yes, D is deploying again), hurt, anger, shame...and the fun stuff too (don't worry kids, life isn't always as tough as it seems). The level of change and the crazy range of emotions of these past 10 months has been anything but ordinary. Maybe there IS something to be said for the in ordinary in the ordinary, or however you want to put it.

You want to hear the really crazy part though (Of course you do! That's why you read other people's blogs right? To make sure you're not the only messed up one out there?). Well, get ready to feel validated, the craziest part of the whole ENTIRE time that I was away is this: I FELT GUILTY! Seriously... I felt guilty almost every single day! Knowing that I was supposed to be on this magical journey of epic happiness enlightenment, and I didn't even have the time to do it. I mean, how dare I let real life get in the way of my happiness?!?!

"How dare I let real life get in the way of my happiness" <--- Just repeat that a few times and get used to how ridiculous it sounds. Wait for it, it will come to you...

I feel like a teacher writing on the chalkboard, "Now class, who can name all of the errors in this sentence?"

!. Happiness and Real Life HAVE to co-exist. It's impossible to be happy only away from your real life, and if you do find happiness, how the heck are you supposed to make it mesh with doing dishes, bathing kids, watching TV, and all those other things that just have to get done everyday.

Moral: You have to learn to be happy in everyday life, or you will wind up being miserable.

2. "How did 'I' let..." Really? How did 'I' let real life get in my way? As if we can control every single thing that makes up our 'real lives.' I'm not saying we don't control some aspects, that would be dumb on my part. But honestly, some things just do happen, and we can't control them.

Moral: Not only can we not control everything in our lives, but we have to learn how to be OK with not being able to control them.

3. This one is the one that hurts my heart the most. I said 'MY happiness.' Not the happiness of my children and family unit, or my husband and our marriage. Nope, I said my happiness. Happiness is for me, and it's mine, and I want it now, dammit. Wow! That sounds super wonderful and loving, right? I was so worried about all of the things that we had going on, not because of what could happen or how it could affect our lives, but because it was interfering with MY happiness. I feel so ashamed with myself. Even just reading that right now makes me sick with myself. What a yucky heart to say that. No wonder I need some happiness...

Moral: Personal happiness IS important, but not at the expense of those you hold dearest (whether it's family, close friends, spouse, partner, kids, etc).

Oh, and let's step back and talk about this guilt thing too. I felt guilty for not following The Happiness Project, but I also felt a lot of guilt because I wasn't blogging about it. Take a moment to laugh at my expense, it's cool, I'm laughing too. Here I am, wanting to find real and true happiness, for myself (and now that I know better, for my family too), and I'm freaking out because I haven't blogged about it. As if you guys would be lost without my kick-ass blog about being super amazing full of win...and tiger's blood... ;)

Seriously though, how narcissistic can I be? Maybe I should spend a little less time dusting my shoulders off and get over myself...

Who's keeping a running list of lovely attributes? Controlling - Check, Narcissistic - Check, Selfish - Check, Self-loathing - Double Check.... Insert another *sigh* here...

I don't know. Maybe the one good thing I have going for me is that I know that this list is NOT who I want to be, and I'm willing to change. Also, I've accepted failure and know how to dust off and move on (Extra points for referencing a previous point, woot).

I feel like a high school kid trying to get back with an ex... But, I want to keep pushing forward with my own happiness project, and I'd love to have you all along for the journey, if you'll have me?

Flaws, guilt, and all...

Don't Think too Hard...

Before I jump into the activities described in 'The Happiness Project' by Gretchen Rubin, I wanted to take the time to answer the questions that she hinted at in the excerpt from the 'Note to the Reader' section that I posted in yesterday's blog entry.

I want to see where I 'stand' so to speak, at the beginning of my own happiness project (without knowing the coming activities and information from the book to sway my answers), and see how I will measure these answers to ones from later on in the month, as well as the year.

*Disclaimer: I am a Christian. I'm not perfect - in fact, I am a sinner, and I understand that. My relationship with Jesus IS part of my life, and a lot of my happiness project *could* revolve around my walk with Christ and my personal religious beliefs. I will never (nor have I ever) 'push' my beliefs on any one of you. I don't believe that that is what God is asking of His followers, and I personally just think that forcing religion on others is gross. I also think it's one of the main factors in people choosing NOT to follow certain religions. So while I will never push my religion on anyone, I will also not stop posting about it, as it is a part of who I am. So if you are fine with reading about my beliefs as they pertain to my journey, then I welcome you and I encourage you to follow along. However, if you are uncomfortable, or just not interested in seeing posts that involve religion, then this blog may not be for you - NOT that I wish you to leave - I just wanted to be respectful enough to everyone to warn you all in advance*

First part: 'Identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement.'

JOY: This is where my religious beliefs come into play. As a Christian, I do not look at 'joy' as an emotion, feeling, or state of mind, etc. Joy, to me, is something that I have, no matter what the circumstances of my life may be. I have been blessed with 'joy' because I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and thus, have been filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that no matter how many times I fail in my life, that I will be forgiven. I also know that I am saved, and that when my time on this earth ends, my eternal life in Heaven will begin. The presence of the Holy Spirit, accompanied by this knowledge is the 'joy' in a Christian's life.

SATISFACTION: The three main things in my life (at this point), that provide satisfaction are: My marriage, raising my children, and my business. (Although, as I stated in an earlier blog, these are not the only things in my life that I want to be known for, or gain satisfaction from).

I find satisfaction in marriage for the obvious reasons, like being in love with my husband. But I also enjoy the partnership it brings. My husband is my best friend, my advocate, and the person that I will experience the rest of my life with. Marriage is also a LOT of work, no matter how much you love each other. Having to engage myself and devote myself wholeheartedly to marriage brings me great satisfaction.

I find satisfaction in my children everyday! Parenting is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I will ever do. Not only am I responsible for the health, welfare, growth, development, and every other thing that parents do for their children - as a Christian parent, I am also responsible for raising my children for the glory of God's kingdom.

I find satisfaction in my job in ways that I never even imagined. I have pretty much taught myself the ways of owning and running a business, doing countless hours of researching, reading book after book on everything from starting a business to the legal aspects, to marketing your brand. I also had to teach myself market specific details like FDA guidelines, formulating, studying all manner of ingredients including how they work and what they are used for, etc. I have worked incredibly hard on my business, and I think that my products, customer service, and number of loyal customers can attest to that. Knowing that I have built a brand and a business from the ground up, is not only satisfying, it is extremely empowering.

ENGAGEMENT: (Using the meanings, 'things that I am interested in, things that hold my attention'). Obviously, I am extremely interested in cosmetics and business, as I have my own cosmetics company. I am also addicted to reading. I very much enjoy being able to sit down with a good book and just lose myself in the story.

Second Part: Identify what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse.

GUILT: Honestly, what doesn't make me feel guilty? I feel guilty because I smoke, but I don't want to die and leave my husband or my children all alone. I feel guilty because we live out of state, so our children don't get to see their extended family very often. I feel guilty for being on the computer all day, even though I use it to work, go to school, and communicate with family and friends from back home. I feel guilty because I haven't gone to bed at the same time as my husband in maybe a year, because I stay up all night packaging orders. I feel guilty because I buy tons of makeup and beauty products, but then don't even use half of it. There are so many little things that I feel some type of guilt about...

ANGER: I'm angry that my house is never spotless, that my children misbehave, that we never have enough money. I'm angry that my husband works long hours and has to be away from home for weeks, months, even over a year at a time. I'm angry that I live so far away from my family, so I miss out on all of the traditions and even day to day things that I had while growing up. Hell, I'm even angry that I let so many things make me angry...

BOREDOM: I honestly think that I might have ADHD (although I have never been tested for it, nor am I qualified to diagnose myself lol). But seriously, I get bored so easily. My current snooze inducer? My college algebra class. Not only do I totally suck at math, but it's also really boring. Which totally sucks, because I need to study a LOT in order to pass this class, but reading chapters on algebra makes me literally want to pull my hair out!

REMORSE: Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines 'Remorse' as "a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs"

If you had asked me a few years ago if I was remorseful about anything, I would have told you 'yes' a million times over. However, once I truly learned to let go and trust in God's forgiveness and in the compassion and mercy of others, I developed a sense of peace in my life (this also relates to joy). I can genuinely say that at this point in my life, I have no remorse. NOT because I have no past wrongs, but because I no longer have GUILT over those past wrongs.

Thinking about these short, specific questions, was actually really hard. I also found the 'good' things to be a lot more challenging to answer than the 'bad' ones, which I find really disappointing, but I'm not surprised. It is very easy to describe the bad things about one's self or one's life, but the 'good' parts don't stay in the front of our thoughts. This is something that I am hoping to change during my happiness project.

(ps...the really cute happy/sad photo in this post is not mine. It is property of it's owner, and I claim no ownership of said photo)

Kimberly Who?

I guess in order for you to understand my happiness project, it would help to know who I am. The only problem is...I'm not really sure if I know who I am.

Don't get me wrong, I mean, I can tell you what I do... I can tell you how I spend my days, I can tell you how long I have been married, my philosophies on child-rearing, why I hate my Algebra class... Hell, I can even tell you how to make a great finishing powder. But that's just what I do, It's not who I am. At least, it's not who I want to be... I don't want to be defined as just a wife, or a mother, or a student, or a business owner... As much as I LOVE those parts of my life - I just don't want that to be all there is of me... It's one thing to know your place in society, but I want to really know who I am on a deeper level.

*So I did a little experiment, I asked a few people what they would tell someone who has never met me, about me in order for that person to know "who I am."

This is the exact same phrase I used with everyone I presented this question to:

"If you were to describe me to someone who had never met me, in order for them to know or understand who I am, what would you tell them?"

These are the exact responses I received (no omitting of information/descriptions given):

My husband of 7 years: "Ambitious, with lots of good ideas. Accepting of others and open-minded, while still firm in your beliefs. Friendly, passionate, helping, and headstrong. And you're purdy."

My 6 year old (and only) daughter: "My mom is 'Miss Kim.' She has black hair which is gold on top. She has glasses. She's pretty. She's kind. She's the bestest mommy, and I love my mommy."

My mother: "A very unique individual and very creative. A great sense of style - but it is definitely your own style. Very loving and caring."

A woman I have known for about 2 years (she is a neighbor, a fellow Army wife, and a very close friend IRL): "Fun. Always busy. Sassy, but in a good way."

A woman that I have known for a few months (she is an internet/phone friend - not someone I know IRL. However, I would still consider her a good friend): "An incredibly supportive Military wife. Dedicated to your children. Hard-working and talented, and has a successful MMU (mineral makeup) company. A bit of a spitfire. You're honest, and you love with your whole heart. And you like to curse! But that's funny :)"

A woman that I have known for a few months (she is an internet/phone friend - not someone I know IRL. However, I consider her one of my best friends ever!): "Two words: Grown and Sexy!" - This might not mean a lot to anyone else, but it is a big inside joke for the two of us and I rather enjoy that she used it in this context.

*End Experiment*

Last night when I was thinking about what I would be posting today, I was really nervous about it. I kept going over and over what I would say to you all about myself. I'd love to be able to tell you that I am the perfect candidate for 'Mother of the Year.' Or that I am the ultimate 50's goddess housewife with sparkling floors, spending my days in heels and meeting my husband at the door with a martini in my perfectly manicured hand. I desperately want to tell you that I am always patient and kind and slow to anger... And so many wonderful and beautiful (and mostly bullshit) answers...

This is what I really had to say about myself last night:
I am stubborn. I can be lazy and at times I procrastinate. I am too harsh with my children, often getting upset with them or becoming too strict. I am quick to talk, but slow to listen. I can be uncaring, unloving, and judgemental. I often make snide remarks to husband when I am hurt, just to make him angry. I complain too much, I worry too much, sometimes I can be selfish and ungrateful. I'm fat. I'm not pretty enough. I'm never the best. And yet I still manage to be narcissistic and vain. My house is never, ever completely spotless, and I don't wash my hair everyday. I cuss too much and pray too little. I wait too long to pluck my eyebrows..." And honestly, this list could have gone on and on... One negative thing after another...

*This is where we come back to the beginning of today's post*

I asked my family and my friends to describe me - Just for fun, and for a blog post, and to see what they would say...

They spoke of me with such kindness and sincerity. Listing one good thing about me after another. They were not negative. They were not harsh or mean. Their words made me literally cry from joy. Maybe I am not as imperfect as I think I am Maybe for all of the wrong I feel that I do, maybe I do somethings right as well...

And then a thought occurred to me that I never expected

I speak about myself as if I HATE myself

I say horrible and nasty things to myself on a regular basis. Maybe even the way someone would speak of their worst enemy. I would never say such things to my mom, or my friends. I would never treat another human being this way.. Yet I say them to myself

What a humiliating realization...

I started today's blog and did this experiment to find out if I could get some insight into who I am, based on the opinions of others.

But you know what? It doesn't matter if my husband thinks I'm pretty, or if my friends think I am nice or caring, or even if my children think that I am a good mama. Nothing that anyone can say about me matters, not until I can see it for myself.

*If you only take one thing from this post, I hope it is this:

"Nothing you hear with your ears will EVER rival what you hear with your heart."

If you hold hate in your heart for yourself, all you will see is that hate. All you will see is that negativity. You will never see any of the beauty that you really are. You will never see the amazing and wonderful things that others see in you, until you learn to love yourself. I mean truly, and honestly, love yourself.

Which leads me back to my original question...

Who am I?

Honestly, I'm not really sure yet, I'll have to get back to you on this one...

What I do know is that I am a girl who is learning to fall in love with herself. A girl who is learning to forgive herself...

And I think that is a great place to start...