Don't Think too Hard...

Before I jump into the activities described in 'The Happiness Project' by Gretchen Rubin, I wanted to take the time to answer the questions that she hinted at in the excerpt from the 'Note to the Reader' section that I posted in yesterday's blog entry.

I want to see where I 'stand' so to speak, at the beginning of my own happiness project (without knowing the coming activities and information from the book to sway my answers), and see how I will measure these answers to ones from later on in the month, as well as the year.

*Disclaimer: I am a Christian. I'm not perfect - in fact, I am a sinner, and I understand that. My relationship with Jesus IS part of my life, and a lot of my happiness project *could* revolve around my walk with Christ and my personal religious beliefs. I will never (nor have I ever) 'push' my beliefs on any one of you. I don't believe that that is what God is asking of His followers, and I personally just think that forcing religion on others is gross. I also think it's one of the main factors in people choosing NOT to follow certain religions. So while I will never push my religion on anyone, I will also not stop posting about it, as it is a part of who I am. So if you are fine with reading about my beliefs as they pertain to my journey, then I welcome you and I encourage you to follow along. However, if you are uncomfortable, or just not interested in seeing posts that involve religion, then this blog may not be for you - NOT that I wish you to leave - I just wanted to be respectful enough to everyone to warn you all in advance*

First part: 'Identify what brings you joy, satisfaction, and engagement.'

JOY: This is where my religious beliefs come into play. As a Christian, I do not look at 'joy' as an emotion, feeling, or state of mind, etc. Joy, to me, is something that I have, no matter what the circumstances of my life may be. I have been blessed with 'joy' because I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and thus, have been filled with the Holy Spirit. I know that no matter how many times I fail in my life, that I will be forgiven. I also know that I am saved, and that when my time on this earth ends, my eternal life in Heaven will begin. The presence of the Holy Spirit, accompanied by this knowledge is the 'joy' in a Christian's life.

SATISFACTION: The three main things in my life (at this point), that provide satisfaction are: My marriage, raising my children, and my business. (Although, as I stated in an earlier blog, these are not the only things in my life that I want to be known for, or gain satisfaction from).

I find satisfaction in marriage for the obvious reasons, like being in love with my husband. But I also enjoy the partnership it brings. My husband is my best friend, my advocate, and the person that I will experience the rest of my life with. Marriage is also a LOT of work, no matter how much you love each other. Having to engage myself and devote myself wholeheartedly to marriage brings me great satisfaction.

I find satisfaction in my children everyday! Parenting is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it is also one of the most rewarding things I will ever do. Not only am I responsible for the health, welfare, growth, development, and every other thing that parents do for their children - as a Christian parent, I am also responsible for raising my children for the glory of God's kingdom.

I find satisfaction in my job in ways that I never even imagined. I have pretty much taught myself the ways of owning and running a business, doing countless hours of researching, reading book after book on everything from starting a business to the legal aspects, to marketing your brand. I also had to teach myself market specific details like FDA guidelines, formulating, studying all manner of ingredients including how they work and what they are used for, etc. I have worked incredibly hard on my business, and I think that my products, customer service, and number of loyal customers can attest to that. Knowing that I have built a brand and a business from the ground up, is not only satisfying, it is extremely empowering.

ENGAGEMENT: (Using the meanings, 'things that I am interested in, things that hold my attention'). Obviously, I am extremely interested in cosmetics and business, as I have my own cosmetics company. I am also addicted to reading. I very much enjoy being able to sit down with a good book and just lose myself in the story.

Second Part: Identify what brings you guilt, anger, boredom, and remorse.

GUILT: Honestly, what doesn't make me feel guilty? I feel guilty because I smoke, but I don't want to die and leave my husband or my children all alone. I feel guilty because we live out of state, so our children don't get to see their extended family very often. I feel guilty for being on the computer all day, even though I use it to work, go to school, and communicate with family and friends from back home. I feel guilty because I haven't gone to bed at the same time as my husband in maybe a year, because I stay up all night packaging orders. I feel guilty because I buy tons of makeup and beauty products, but then don't even use half of it. There are so many little things that I feel some type of guilt about...

ANGER: I'm angry that my house is never spotless, that my children misbehave, that we never have enough money. I'm angry that my husband works long hours and has to be away from home for weeks, months, even over a year at a time. I'm angry that I live so far away from my family, so I miss out on all of the traditions and even day to day things that I had while growing up. Hell, I'm even angry that I let so many things make me angry...

BOREDOM: I honestly think that I might have ADHD (although I have never been tested for it, nor am I qualified to diagnose myself lol). But seriously, I get bored so easily. My current snooze inducer? My college algebra class. Not only do I totally suck at math, but it's also really boring. Which totally sucks, because I need to study a LOT in order to pass this class, but reading chapters on algebra makes me literally want to pull my hair out!

REMORSE: Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines 'Remorse' as "a gnawing distress arising from a sense of guilt for past wrongs"

If you had asked me a few years ago if I was remorseful about anything, I would have told you 'yes' a million times over. However, once I truly learned to let go and trust in God's forgiveness and in the compassion and mercy of others, I developed a sense of peace in my life (this also relates to joy). I can genuinely say that at this point in my life, I have no remorse. NOT because I have no past wrongs, but because I no longer have GUILT over those past wrongs.

Thinking about these short, specific questions, was actually really hard. I also found the 'good' things to be a lot more challenging to answer than the 'bad' ones, which I find really disappointing, but I'm not surprised. It is very easy to describe the bad things about one's self or one's life, but the 'good' parts don't stay in the front of our thoughts. This is something that I am hoping to change during my happiness project.

(ps...the really cute happy/sad photo in this post is not mine. It is property of it's owner, and I claim no ownership of said photo)

Scared Shitless...or why I decided to share my life with strangers

It's 6:30am on a beautiful June day in southern Georgia. I have a hot cup of coffee and a cigarette. My children are still asleep, cozy with their blankets and stuffed animals. And my husband returns home today from a month away doing training. All in all, it is looking to be a great day.

But I am scared shitless...

*Let's go back to the beginning, shall we*

The scene opens on a warm and perfect April Sunday. We had gone to church and then had a delicious, and mostly peaceful, lunch. I'm not sure if we were feeling invigorated by the sermon, or maybe just too full to care, but my husband and I decided to do some "quick" shopping. So we paid the bill, packed our four kids back in the car, and headed for the mall. And then it happened...

The oldest three children (ages 8, 6, and 4) started demanding toys, and clothes, and presents. They complained that their feet were hurting. That they were tired, bored, and wanted to leave. The baby needed a diaper change and a bottle, and of course the diaper bag was still in the car. I was unhappy that certain stores didn't have what I was looking for, that we never had enough money to buy what we wanted, that my children were so rude and demanding. I was angry that the baby was screaming and that my husband had left the diaper bag in the car. He was angry that the kids were whining and that I had forgotten to remind him to get the diaper bag out of the car. And we still had at least an hour drive before we got home... Basically, the day was falling apart...

Why had we decided to do this? Why are we so stupid? It always turns out the same way. The details might change, but we always end up so miserable...

We head towards the exit - leaving through Barnes and Noble, because they have a bathroom, and the misery continued... "We want books!" "We want milk and cookies from Starbucks!" "We don't waaant to use the bathroom!" "We just want to go home!" etc etc etc...

My husband takes off towards the bathrooms with the oldest kids in tow and leaves the baby and I (and a giant double stroller) to wander the aisles of books. *Now mind you, I LOVE to read. I adore it with every fiber of my being... And I will read anything - Classics, horror, romance, mystery, self-help, religion, etc. I would probably read an owner's manual if it was the last thing on Earth with written words* "Maybe a new book would make me feel better and not so stressed out?," I thought to myself. I mean, I do love a good escape. So I start eyeballing the tables - you know, the ones with the new or best-selling books on them, to see if anything catches my eye...

I am looking at a table covered in self-help books all relating to happiness or the art of being happier. Not necessarily my thing, but hey, they look interesting. And then a bright blue book titled 'The Happiness Project' catches my eye. It was written by Gretchen Rubin and it chronicles a year she spent trying to be happier. I can get into this. I mean, I don't know how to be happier honestly, but it might be cool to read about how someone else made herself happier. So I snatch this book up, pay the cashier, and we head for the door.

On the ride home, I skim the book... I read the covers. I read the acknowledgements. I read the letter to the reader. I read the part where other people comment on the book. I even start the first chapter. I decide that I hate this book... Not because it is bad, or poorly written. But it is making me look at my life, I mean really look at it. "Am I happy?," I think to myself. Well of course I am. I have my bad days, but I love my family and my life... But could I be HAPPIER?

I spend the next two months reading and putting away, and then returning to this book. That's right, it has taken me two months to come to this decision...

*Return to present day, and me being a total wussy pants...

After reading through this book, I have decided to do my own happiness project. I have made some realizations about my life that I will discuss in upcoming posts, and then I will be devoting a year of my life to 'becoming happier.' Or at least trying. This entire month will be devoted to preparation for my happiness project. I will discuss who I am and what I want from life, as well as my family and other points she writes about in the book. July first will be my first 'actual' day of my happiness project and my goal is to blog EVERYDAY for the next year on my progress, successes and failures, what I am doing, learning, changing, etc...

And this is why I am scared... It's a hard and uncomfortable feeling to look at your life and realize that it's not what you expected to be, that YOU are not who you expected to be, or that you are not as happy as you could be. Even more so to share it with strangers. But I hope my journey will inspire you, just as Gretchen Rubin's journey has inspired me.

Until tomorrow...