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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Scared Shitless...or why I decided to share my life with strangers

It's 6:30am on a beautiful June day in southern Georgia. I have a hot cup of coffee and a cigarette. My children are still asleep, cozy with their blankets and stuffed animals. And my husband returns home today from a month away doing training. All in all, it is looking to be a great day.

But I am scared shitless...

*Let's go back to the beginning, shall we*

The scene opens on a warm and perfect April Sunday. We had gone to church and then had a delicious, and mostly peaceful, lunch. I'm not sure if we were feeling invigorated by the sermon, or maybe just too full to care, but my husband and I decided to do some "quick" shopping. So we paid the bill, packed our four kids back in the car, and headed for the mall. And then it happened...

The oldest three children (ages 8, 6, and 4) started demanding toys, and clothes, and presents. They complained that their feet were hurting. That they were tired, bored, and wanted to leave. The baby needed a diaper change and a bottle, and of course the diaper bag was still in the car. I was unhappy that certain stores didn't have what I was looking for, that we never had enough money to buy what we wanted, that my children were so rude and demanding. I was angry that the baby was screaming and that my husband had left the diaper bag in the car. He was angry that the kids were whining and that I had forgotten to remind him to get the diaper bag out of the car. And we still had at least an hour drive before we got home... Basically, the day was falling apart...

Why had we decided to do this? Why are we so stupid? It always turns out the same way. The details might change, but we always end up so miserable...

We head towards the exit - leaving through Barnes and Noble, because they have a bathroom, and the misery continued... "We want books!" "We want milk and cookies from Starbucks!" "We don't waaant to use the bathroom!" "We just want to go home!" etc etc etc...

My husband takes off towards the bathrooms with the oldest kids in tow and leaves the baby and I (and a giant double stroller) to wander the aisles of books. *Now mind you, I LOVE to read. I adore it with every fiber of my being... And I will read anything - Classics, horror, romance, mystery, self-help, religion, etc. I would probably read an owner's manual if it was the last thing on Earth with written words* "Maybe a new book would make me feel better and not so stressed out?," I thought to myself. I mean, I do love a good escape. So I start eyeballing the tables - you know, the ones with the new or best-selling books on them, to see if anything catches my eye...

I am looking at a table covered in self-help books all relating to happiness or the art of being happier. Not necessarily my thing, but hey, they look interesting. And then a bright blue book titled 'The Happiness Project' catches my eye. It was written by Gretchen Rubin and it chronicles a year she spent trying to be happier. I can get into this. I mean, I don't know how to be happier honestly, but it might be cool to read about how someone else made herself happier. So I snatch this book up, pay the cashier, and we head for the door.

On the ride home, I skim the book... I read the covers. I read the acknowledgements. I read the letter to the reader. I read the part where other people comment on the book. I even start the first chapter. I decide that I hate this book... Not because it is bad, or poorly written. But it is making me look at my life, I mean really look at it. "Am I happy?," I think to myself. Well of course I am. I have my bad days, but I love my family and my life... But could I be HAPPIER?

I spend the next two months reading and putting away, and then returning to this book. That's right, it has taken me two months to come to this decision...

*Return to present day, and me being a total wussy pants...

After reading through this book, I have decided to do my own happiness project. I have made some realizations about my life that I will discuss in upcoming posts, and then I will be devoting a year of my life to 'becoming happier.' Or at least trying. This entire month will be devoted to preparation for my happiness project. I will discuss who I am and what I want from life, as well as my family and other points she writes about in the book. July first will be my first 'actual' day of my happiness project and my goal is to blog EVERYDAY for the next year on my progress, successes and failures, what I am doing, learning, changing, etc...

And this is why I am scared... It's a hard and uncomfortable feeling to look at your life and realize that it's not what you expected to be, that YOU are not who you expected to be, or that you are not as happy as you could be. Even more so to share it with strangers. But I hope my journey will inspire you, just as Gretchen Rubin's journey has inspired me.

Until tomorrow...

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